Kiss Me

My daughter Grace will be 18 in 5 weeks. It seems so little time has passed since she was a tiny doll, always with a thumb in her mouth and the other hand rubbing her ear. When Grace was a baby I looked at her elfin face and thought ‘someday you will grow up and be an amazing woman. You will be smart and thoughtful, you will have your own mind and go your own way.’  I knew then that she would be beautiful on the outside, and I planned to raise her so she would also be beautiful on the inside. I wanted everything and more for her.

Watching her grow has been a pleasure, and sometimes a pain. She does go her own way and that isn’t always easy for me. No one tells you how hard it is to raise a child all the while preparing for the day you let them go. Watching my daughter become a woman…I haven’t the vocabulary to express the endless cycle of emotions that’s wrung out of me. Pride, fear, worry, irritation, exasperation, joy, empathy, even envy. I don’t like to admit it, but yes, even envy. Envy that her whole future is ahead of her. I love the age I am, and the maturity and wisdom it’s brought me…but the careless abandon of youth, I do envy her that.

Watching her fall in love. What can I say? My fingers are hovering over the keyboard trying to find the right words to describe that feeling. It’s scary because I know how easily she could be hurt. Sometimes I think my throat is going to close up from the words I know I can NOT say. I can’t ruin this for her by trying to keep her from harm. To warn her of the dangers would be to rob her of the experience. So I just hope that all the things I’ve said in the past will be like tattoos on her heart…so deeply etched they are indelible. It’s not only scary, it’s also beautiful. Seeing her face light up as Max {her boyfriend} arrives, watching her watching him…seeing herself through his eyes and liking what he sees.

Of course, it helps that I like Max. Having him here is like adding something special to the mix. He is everything I hoped Grace would find in her first love. He is gentle with her heart; oh my goodness…that is so true I need to say it twice…he is gentle with her heart. Her heart is one of the most precious things in the world to me, and Max treats it like he feels exactly the same way.

This is Max & Grace’s song. Their love song. Reading {and writing} the lyrics has brought it home…she is almost 18 and in love. One day soon, Grace won’t be sleeping across the hall from me. She won’t climb on my bed to tell me about her day, and I won’t climb on hers to wake her up. I’ll have to let her go, trusting that the foundations I’ve laid are sufficient. That they can hold up the structure of the life she builds for herself.  Only time will tell, but I think she’s off to a good start.