My daughter Grace will be 18 in 5 weeks. It seems so little time has passed since she was a tiny doll, always with a thumb in her mouth and the other hand rubbing her ear. When Grace was a baby I looked at her elfin face and thought ‘someday you will grow up and be an amazing woman. You will be smart and thoughtful, you will have your own mind and go your own way.’ I knew then that she would be beautiful on the outside, and I planned to raise her so she would also be beautiful on the inside. I wanted everything and more for her.
Watching her grow has been a pleasure, and sometimes a pain. She does go her own way and that isn’t always easy for me. No one tells you how hard it is to raise a child all the while preparing for the day you let them go. Watching my daughter become a woman…I haven’t the vocabulary to express the endless cycle of emotions that’s wrung out of me. Pride, fear, worry, irritation, exasperation, joy, empathy, even envy. I don’t like to admit it, but yes, even envy. Envy that her whole future is ahead of her. I love the age I am, and the maturity and wisdom it’s brought me…but the careless abandon of youth, I do envy her that.
Watching her fall in love. What can I say? My fingers are hovering over the keyboard trying to find the right words to describe that feeling. It’s scary because I know how easily she could be hurt. Sometimes I think my throat is going to close up from the words I know I can NOT say. I can’t ruin this for her by trying to keep her from harm. To warn her of the dangers would be to rob her of the experience. So I just hope that all the things I’ve said in the past will be like tattoos on her heart…so deeply etched they are indelible. It’s not only scary, it’s also beautiful. Seeing her face light up as Max {her boyfriend} arrives, watching her watching him…seeing herself through his eyes and liking what he sees.
Of course, it helps that I like Max. Having him here is like adding something special to the mix. He is everything I hoped Grace would find in her first love. He is gentle with her heart; oh my goodness…that is so true I need to say it twice…he is gentle with her heart. Her heart is one of the most precious things in the world to me, and Max treats it like he feels exactly the same way.
This is Max & Grace’s song. Their love song. Reading {and writing} the lyrics has brought it home…she is almost 18 and in love. One day soon, Grace won’t be sleeping across the hall from me. She won’t climb on my bed to tell me about her day, and I won’t climb on hers to wake her up. I’ll have to let her go, trusting that the foundations I’ve laid are sufficient. That they can hold up the structure of the life she builds for herself. Only time will tell, but I think she’s off to a good start.
I am beyond delighted to use this song today. I couldn’t wait to write this post! I was even more excited when I found this version from Warners Live Room. While I write, I play the song I’m using for that particular post on a continuos loop…hoping the flavor of the music will make it’s way into the writing and give everything a more unified feeling. This time, I’m so busy enjoying the song it’s hard to keep my fingers on the keyboard.
I’m gonna pick up the pieces,
and build a lego house
if things go wrong we can knock it down
My three words have two meanings,
but there’s one thing on my mind
It’s all for you
My husband Darren is a builder. He builds all sorts of things, including houses. He didn’t build the house we live in now but he may as well have. When we bought it there wasn’t much left that could be salvaged…a staircase, a stone flag floor in the hall, and the exterior walls. Darren worked 12 hours a day, 7 days a week for 6 months to make it habitable. He’s spent countless hours over the past 4 years working on the house – perfecting this and finishing that – so that the line dividing house from man is blurry. Everywhere I look I see the cocoon he’s made for us with skill, effort, and love.
‘Three words have 2 meanings’…and for Darren they do. I love you – romantic. I love you – paternal. Taken all together he expresses it like this, by keeping us warm and sheltered from the storms raging outside. I think, for many Dads this is the ultimate demonstration of love. They fix. They build. They provide.
And it’s dark in a cold December,
but I’ve got ya to keep me warm
and if you’re broken I will mend ya
and keep you sheltered from the storm that’s raging on now
Living with 4 children, of varying ages makes for some seriously creative parenting, and some vastly different responses. The words ‘Dad, you’re so out of touch with reality’ have been uttered by both elder children on numerous occasions. They think he doesn’t get it (they know I do, but I’m obviously uber cool) when they act young, foolish and reckless. Oh, he gets it alright…that’s part of the problem. He knows exactly what they’re planning and why. Those plans don’t work for him because it’s his primary objective to keep them safe. More than once he’s embarrassed them and ‘ruined their life’ all in the effort to stop them from ruining their lives. He’s had a steep learning curve with teenagers…but out of all these things he’s done I think he loves them better now.
I’m out of touch, I’m out of love
I’ll pick you up when you’re getting down
and out of all these things I’ve done
I think I love you better now
It must be torture for Dads, going from hero to zero. From King to taxi driver. From the guy who fixes everything to the one who spoiled your fun. When grunting is the only response how do you know you’ve been heard? How can you have confidence that the lessons of yesterday will affect the decisions your teen makes today?
I’m out of sight, I’m out of mind
I’ll do it all for you in time
And out of all these things I’ve done
I think I love you better now, now
A 17 year old daughter is terrifying for a Father. I watch Darren watch Grace get in her boyfriends car and I am torn between laughter and tears of sympathy. I see him double take at her outfits and know he is worried that her skirt is too short or her blouse is too transparent. When he sees how beautiful she’s become and fears that her beauty could be a weapon used against her. I’m sure, if he could, he’d frame her and put her on a wall…somewhere safe. Darren is fortunate that Grace has chosen well, her boyfriend is a good driver, polite, friendly, kind, respectful, warm and really fantastic. Emlyn loves him…in fact she said his name a couple of days ago which is a) AMAZING!!! and b) a testament to his awesomeness! Part of the reason Grace has chosen so well stems from the example set by Darren. If your Dad is the first love of your life and he teaches you to respect yourself, it’s easier to spot the genuine from the counterfeit.
I’m gonna paint you by numbers
and colour you in
if things go right we can frame it, and put you on a wall
And it’s so hard to say it but I’ve been here before
and I will surrender up my heart
and swap it for yours
I’m out of touch, I’m out of love
I’ll pick you up when you’re getting down
and out of all these things I’ve done
I think I love you better now
I’m out of sight, I’m out of mind
I’ll do it all for you in time
And out of all these things I’ve done
I think I love you better now
If a 17 year old daughter is hard, an adult son is harder. Making the transition from Father and Child to adult male relationship was not easy for Darren and Ryan. It got sticky for awhile. Ryan was never home, his choices were not the choices Darren would have made (Darren really would have preferred to be making the choices) and I guess it seemed like Ryan was drifting away…or running away…really fast. If you let the bond stretch right out, the fear will always be ‘is it breaking?’ Letting the inevitable separation occur was torment. But learning to let go was essential. It had to happen. Darren had to let go of Ryan the child if he was ever going to have a relationship with Ryan the man. It wasn’t a picnic, but they figured it out. These days they work together, the difficult times have drawn them closer, and truthfully…I think they love each other better now.
Don’t hold me down
I think my braces are breaking
and it’s more than I can take
When we sat down for dinner last night there were only 4 where there should be 6. Our nest is often missing chicks these days. Cameron and Emlyn are still fairly easy as far as parenting goes….but one day soon that will change. Cameron will roll his eyes, and start the same process we’ve just watched Ryan work out of. That’s okay. It will be hard, but I’m pretty sure when it’s over Darren will love Cameron, and Cameron will love Darren…better.
And if it’s dark in a cold December,
I’ve got ya to keep me warm
and if you’re broken then I will mend ya
and keep you sheltered from the storm that’s raging on, now
I’m out of touch, I’m out of love
I’ll pick you up when you’re getting down
and out of all these things I’ve done
I think I love you better now
I’m out of sight, I’m out of mind
I’ll do it all for you in time
And out of all these things I’ve done
I think I love you better now
Happy Fathers Day to all Lego House builders…especially Fred, Reg, and Darren (my Grampa, my Dad, and my Husband) I love you soooo much!
